Monday, March 19

Just speculating

I'm feeling glum today.

I can't really put my finger on it. Yesterday was so glorious. I spent several hours wandering down Atlantic Avenue before taking a left and heading into Carroll Gardens, looking for dinner ingredients and a change of scene. I found a wonderful butcher on Smith Street, where I bought some pork chops and chorizo. The sun was shining, the snow was melting. I had nowhere I needed to be.

Today I woke up well-rested, ready for anything. And I went to my same job, where I spend my day scanning and retouching photos. It is a job where I am a cog. Other people do the same thing as me; we are interchangable as we click the day away with little interaction and stimulation. My mind turns off. It is totally depressing.

On the way home from work I had a seat on the subway and so pulled out my knitting. Knitting is good for my soul, even though with this project I feel like the project could turn into anything. It's supposed to be a lace tank top, but I decided that I wanted it more fitted than it was in the pattern, so I changed some things. I'm not sure if my calculations are right, but the lace pattern is a little skewed. Because of the impatient mood I'm in I've decided to ignore the imperfections and just knit away. Cross your fingers that it fits when I'm done.

Anyway, the knitting was so good that I started wondering what I'm doing with my life. I mean, why am I spending my days at this miserable job? Why can't I make a living at something I enjoy more? Where is my career? Wasn't I supposed to be designing more than less at this point in my life? What other thing could I do that would fill that place, at least temporarily?

In the back of my mind I can't help thinking that being a parent would make all of these questions mute. But that to me would also mean letting go of that design career. I have a feeling that I would be swept away by parenthood, and the career wouldn't matter. I'd be a mother with a part-time job doing who-knows-what.

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