seeking clarity

I go through periods of self-reflection and evaluation, and I feel like I'm on the cusp of that right now. If only I had the time to sit down and sort out what exactly what it is I'm thinkng and where it's leading me.

Recently I've find myself searching the web a lot, looking for a path. For some reason, that path seems to involve buying new stuff for our apartment, or perhaps some new jewelry or a book. Or maybe starting a new knitting project. Of course, most of the time I don't get past the looking-at-the-object-online-stage, because I am the product of a prudent Protestant family who never bought anything if you could find a reason not to.

If I do get past the hurdle of actually purchasing that Object, I know it will change my life. Except that it doesn't. And I get half- way through that book or the knitting project before I become bored and I need something else to occupy me. Clearly I'm looking for distraction from my self-reflection.

We went to Friends' Meeting on Sunday morning. I can't say that either of us really want to go to Meeting. It's more something we think would be good for us, that we could benefit from if only we did it right. We're also there looking for a community, but we're too shy to talk to anyone during the social hour.

Yesterday was different. Maybe it was because I was really tired, or maybe because I didn't have my distractions there to distract me from myself, or because no one rose to speak, but for the first time in a long while I felt able to really center myself. I closed my eyes and relaxed and let my thoughts flow through me. The to-do lists stopped flitting through my mind and instead I just felt a deep, dark conscious peace. The experience reminded me a little of the deep relaxation at the end of a yoga practice, very solitary and personal, although this was longer and deeper. Sort of like being asleep but I was also very aware of the sounds in the room. And in that state I knew that I needed clarity.

In any case, it lasted about 1/2 an hour and then I opened my eyes and was slightly surprised to be where I was, in a room with about 75 other people. And then the distractions began again. They were slow but they were there: I abandoned my inward search and started planning what we'd do after we left, what bills needed to be paid, what phone calls returned, how we'd go to the bank on the way home.

Somehow I need to find more time for reflection, time without the internet or my book or knitting or TV or radio. I need to find time to discover what I'm running away from.